Ryan's Journal

so, here I am as I promise write something. walaupun gue gak minum obat dan dalam kondisi kesehatan mental yang nggak baik. I try and fight so hard to do something and distract my minds from my depression. It was so hard, I swear, I slept for a whole day, looked at through my phone, scrolled at any social media. so I could get this 'dopamine' booster from them. Does it make me happy? a while, maybe. but I can't be like that. I have to do something. to do something better more than just let internet choose what is best for me. There here I am nulis ini sambil dengerin spotify. Hal yang paling tersulit dalam melakukan sesuatu adalah memulainya, gue ngerasa ini dari beberapa tahun yang lalu. Tapi gue udah belajar banyak tepatnya beberapa bulan terakhir, untuk selalu memulai lagi, terus dan terus, tanpa harus takut itu nggak sempurna atau memenuhi ekspektasi. I've learned to start from the worst so whenever I failed myself I would never surrender and start over. yang ter...

Just by look up the title I disbelieve those such things are interesting for some, but for me those things are one of the activities that I miss the most. Last year I studied for SBMPTN, through my depression, I tried so hard to learn: sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not, because when it hit you, I became numb and dying in bed. So, I didn't regret when I didn't get accepted in the University, also because my mom isn't financially stable. But gosh I kinda miss those activities, I do still get to study through my courses to be a hotelier but for me, studying math, english, history,or even science are such a personal satisfaction. I can see the world widely open with the whole knowledge that I've learnt. It craves me to wander of reality in the world, it gives me sense of power and purpose not only for well being and happiness, but greater good for humanity as a whole.  Thus, I decide to write my thoughts and feelings in here, I read about Kartini'...

I'm back at writing, jadi setelah gue lama nggak pergi ke psikiater untuk minum obat, akhirnya gue kembali ke dokter untuk konsultasi. Terakhir gue berobat itu bulan Desember, jadi gue nggak minum obat selama bulan Januari-April, alasannya ya karena gue nggak sempet dan terlalu depresi untuk melakukan sesuatu. Honestly gue males banget untuk bangun pagi dan menunggu di RS, rasanya kayak otak gue terlalu banyak informasi dan gak sabar cuma buat nunggu hal-hal kayak begituan. Tapi setelah memantapkan jiwa karena bentar lagi gue berangkat ke Thailand maka gue harus sehat secara kejiwaan untuk bisa kerja di sana selama satu tahun. Dan nyokap gue kayak udah maksa banget, "CEPET BEROBAT!" karena nggak tahan lihat kelakuan gue yang cuman malas-malasan. Gue baru minum obat sekali, sebelumnya gue minum fluxotine HCL dan Depakote sekarang diganti Seroquel, gue baca-baca intinya obat ini antagonis untuk cairan dopamin dan sarotonin di otak. Jadi untuk mengurangi gejala mani...