di ambang depresi dan pergi ke ujung sebrang negeri...
so, here I am as I promise write something. walaupun gue gak minum obat dan dalam kondisi kesehatan mental yang nggak baik. I try and fight so hard to do something and distract my minds from my depression. It was so hard, I swear, I slept for a whole day, looked at through my phone, scrolled at any social media. so I could get this 'dopamine' booster from them. Does it make me happy? a while, maybe. but I can't be like that. I have to do something. to do something better more than just let internet choose what is best for me. There here I am nulis ini sambil dengerin spotify.
Hal yang paling tersulit dalam melakukan sesuatu adalah memulainya, gue ngerasa ini dari beberapa tahun yang lalu. Tapi gue udah belajar banyak tepatnya beberapa bulan terakhir, untuk selalu memulai lagi, terus dan terus, tanpa harus takut itu nggak sempurna atau memenuhi ekspektasi. I've learned to start from the worst so whenever I failed myself I would never surrender and start over. yang terpenting adalah menyelesaikannya bukan kesempurnaannya.
Oke why do I write this and what so called with the title? basically I'm going to Thailand in like a few days. This shit has been stressing me out karena mulai dari masalah gue nggak mendapatkan obat bipolar sampai gue belom siap apa-apa. Kesetressan ini bikin tambah memicu kondisi mental health gue, udah gak minum obat, stress, gue jadi sensitif, gampang marah-marah, sedih... you know, my bipolar disorder. Jadilah gue tambah depresi.
Then, I start relive when I went out from home, listened to some this high positive motivational indie music while dancing to it and realize, "Shit men. I can't let this depression control me by being passive to the situations, the more you do that. I'm drowning the same shit over again." Gua kayak bener-bener berargumen sama diri sendiri, if people saw, i bet they thought i'm crazy. well the truth is, yes I am, karena berdasarkan aturan kesehatan Indonesia gue termasuk ODGJ (orang dengan gangguan jiwa). But what do they know about me? Screw them!
Setelah nari-nari dan dengerin musik di tengah jalan gue langsung masuk ke dalam rumah, dan nyalain laptop untuk nulis apa yang gue rasakan. It feels better? at least, daripada gue harus ngelihat hal yang ada di twitter dan instragram, paling gue bisa mendistraksi pikiran gue dari hal yang paling tai di dunia ini.
I've learned the best from my ex, she told me about how when she's depressed, she'll do some papers from her lectures and professors. she even finished her thesis when she was depressed. I wanna be that strong, you know? instead letting my depression control me, I will do something productive.
Dan sebenarnya setelah dari Thailand gue udah banyak bikin rencana untuk do things for the best. Walaupun di Thailand mungkin nanti gue nggak akan bisa berobat karena keterbatasan biaya dan bahasa, gue percaya biasa ngelewatin satu tahun hidup kerja di sana dengan baik-baik saja. Walaupun satu tahun tanpa obat, selama gue kerja di darat, itu bukan masalah yang besar. Kalau 3 tahun di SMA lebih, gue bisa bertahan tanpa obat walaupun kualitas hidup gue nggak maksimal, kenapa gue nggak bisa ngelakuin itu 1 tahun itu Thailand, right?
Begitu gue balik dari Thailand, gue akan pergi ke RS Internasional sambil kerja part time selama 6 bulan kalau kondisi gue stabil dan bisa untuk stock obat sendiri, gue akan mulai melamar kerja di kapal pesiar. It takes a long time than a 'normal'people do, I know, but this is what I call self awareness, I guess. My mental health is more important daripada harus kerja bagai kudu demi kekayaan. We need money, we do, hence I'm work but you need to know your capability, especially mental ability to ensue that. If you can't, then don't.
I swear, life is hard, it's easy actually for me to do anything I guess because I'm fast learner, but well, I see this mental health as challenge, you know, to stabilize. So life could be a little bit fair? Everyone has their own battles and this is mine.
Kayaknya udah, I will write something again in the future..... Bye!
Hal yang paling tersulit dalam melakukan sesuatu adalah memulainya, gue ngerasa ini dari beberapa tahun yang lalu. Tapi gue udah belajar banyak tepatnya beberapa bulan terakhir, untuk selalu memulai lagi, terus dan terus, tanpa harus takut itu nggak sempurna atau memenuhi ekspektasi. I've learned to start from the worst so whenever I failed myself I would never surrender and start over. yang terpenting adalah menyelesaikannya bukan kesempurnaannya.
Oke why do I write this and what so called with the title? basically I'm going to Thailand in like a few days. This shit has been stressing me out karena mulai dari masalah gue nggak mendapatkan obat bipolar sampai gue belom siap apa-apa. Kesetressan ini bikin tambah memicu kondisi mental health gue, udah gak minum obat, stress, gue jadi sensitif, gampang marah-marah, sedih... you know, my bipolar disorder. Jadilah gue tambah depresi.
Then, I start relive when I went out from home, listened to some this high positive motivational indie music while dancing to it and realize, "Shit men. I can't let this depression control me by being passive to the situations, the more you do that. I'm drowning the same shit over again." Gua kayak bener-bener berargumen sama diri sendiri, if people saw, i bet they thought i'm crazy. well the truth is, yes I am, karena berdasarkan aturan kesehatan Indonesia gue termasuk ODGJ (orang dengan gangguan jiwa). But what do they know about me? Screw them!
Setelah nari-nari dan dengerin musik di tengah jalan gue langsung masuk ke dalam rumah, dan nyalain laptop untuk nulis apa yang gue rasakan. It feels better? at least, daripada gue harus ngelihat hal yang ada di twitter dan instragram, paling gue bisa mendistraksi pikiran gue dari hal yang paling tai di dunia ini.
I've learned the best from my ex, she told me about how when she's depressed, she'll do some papers from her lectures and professors. she even finished her thesis when she was depressed. I wanna be that strong, you know? instead letting my depression control me, I will do something productive.
Dan sebenarnya setelah dari Thailand gue udah banyak bikin rencana untuk do things for the best. Walaupun di Thailand mungkin nanti gue nggak akan bisa berobat karena keterbatasan biaya dan bahasa, gue percaya biasa ngelewatin satu tahun hidup kerja di sana dengan baik-baik saja. Walaupun satu tahun tanpa obat, selama gue kerja di darat, itu bukan masalah yang besar. Kalau 3 tahun di SMA lebih, gue bisa bertahan tanpa obat walaupun kualitas hidup gue nggak maksimal, kenapa gue nggak bisa ngelakuin itu 1 tahun itu Thailand, right?
Begitu gue balik dari Thailand, gue akan pergi ke RS Internasional sambil kerja part time selama 6 bulan kalau kondisi gue stabil dan bisa untuk stock obat sendiri, gue akan mulai melamar kerja di kapal pesiar. It takes a long time than a 'normal'people do, I know, but this is what I call self awareness, I guess. My mental health is more important daripada harus kerja bagai kudu demi kekayaan. We need money, we do, hence I'm work but you need to know your capability, especially mental ability to ensue that. If you can't, then don't.
I swear, life is hard, it's easy actually for me to do anything I guess because I'm fast learner, but well, I see this mental health as challenge, you know, to stabilize. So life could be a little bit fair? Everyone has their own battles and this is mine.
Kayaknya udah, I will write something again in the future..... Bye!
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